Friday

I know its been a week since my last update, it's been a mixture of a week as well. I found out that someone who I used to be quite pally with a long time ago had passed way. Spent a night at a friends house, I feel the more I can be away from home, the better I feel and the only way I can be myself nowadays - the knowledge that things are never going to be the same is just driving me away from home.

I've relalised that I am not very good with dealing with people with a lot of self confidence. They always say that it helps you if you do.........................but it doesn't help me. There is one particular member of the family that I have tried my best to avoid since returning from Wales who has a lot of self confidence.

My Mum has been very unwell this week, and this has been another source of worry for me - she has been on a course of antibiotics after suffering an infection and tiredness over the last few weeks. She is still in bed and continues to feel ill even though she has completed her course of pills. Don't know haw I'm going to manage when she passes away - she has been my rock over the years.

I am grateful that today I had enough confidence to go shopping with my Dad and get the groceries.

More to come.

Friday

Not a good day, where the emotions that made me quit to Wales came to the fore again. Add to that, for the past couple of nights I have been nursing a tooth with a broken filling and an exposed nerve. Very, very painful but I made an emergency call to my Dentist and I see him 10.10 on Monday morning.

Okay, i saw a family member for the first time in a long time, from before I went to Wales, a family member related to the source of my depression. I really have to tell my parents that I am uncomfortable being in the company of certain people. I think Mum understands, she touched my back and shoulder after the family member left in a comforting way.

I'm so tired, and my tooth is killing me, but I'm grateful that today I manged to give my room a good tidy.

Night.

Tuesday

Well, I did it, and not for the first time I went to my Doctor and told him that i needed some help. I told him that my current depression had been offset by an issue that is beyond my control and that I needed help to deal with it. I told him about my 'escape' to Wales and about my finishing my job at the school.

The doctor put me in touch with a counselling service, he told me that the rules had changed and that doctors didn't refer people for psychological help anymore and gave me a leaflet for the iapt - Improving Access to Psychological therapies. I had to phone them myself and register my details and then wait for a phone call  where I would be assessed, my phone assessment will be on 12 March - blimey! What a weird way of doing things.

I'm grateful that today I have set things in motion and started the process of getting help.

More to come

Monday

Not a brilliant day mood wise, and I thought I had been doing a bit better. The big question on my mind today is: Is it cruel, selfish and mean to not want to see a certain family member anymore? That's how I feel now, and however much that family member may love me my feelings have changed!!! I don't recognize myself anymore - this is how this situation has left me, that is how I feel at the moment.

I am off for my appointment with the doctor tomorrow, to see if he can refer me for some counselling and get  me some help. I can't go on like this for much longer.

I am grateful today for the fact that i am managing to get on with my Reiki case studies, I managed to get another one out of the way. :-)

Saturday

The last few days have been an interesting mixture, but today has been difficult. I think it is the realisation that things are never going to be how they used to be, my world has changed in the last 10 months and its not going to be like it was again.

I have beenback home from Wales for over 3 weeks now and I have had no face to face dealings with any family memebers other than my Mum and Dad, I still feel like I don't want any dealings with other family members - I'm frightend that I may never want to, and one or two of them I'm afraid to see anyway. I'm grateful that today I spent some time doing what I realy love doing............making music with my keyboards, on my own. I feel really at peace doing that!!!

Wednesday

I have had a stroke of inspiration today and have had a final flush of inspiration to get my Reiki studies finished and get my level two certificate and start practicing  professionally. I have been doing Reiki for 10 years now and did my level 2 almost 10 months ago, but there was a snag!!!! To add to this my reiki master informed my group that there was a new rule, we all had to do 18 case studies before we can get our certificates, and there was no time limit for getting them done in.

You have to remember that the last 10 months have been probably some of the worst in my life but i have managed to get a fair few of these case studies done.

There has been a heightened sense of sadness over the past couple of days though. My Dad has heard that someone who used to be a friend of mine has committed suicide, although it's been a long time since we were friends (nearly 20 years) it has still made me feel sad. But I am grateful that today I have been inspired to finish my studies.

Monday

I can't say how I am feeling at the moment, I can see a way forward.............but I can only see a way forward with only a few family members. I have been greatly alterd by my experiences over the last 10 months and my attitudes to some family members have changed - I have changed.

The one thing I have to do is finish my Reiki studies, so I can become a professional healer and get my own flat. I realised when I went to Wales that I don't give a damn what other people are doing when I am left to my own devices. I can focus on my life.

I was informed by the council on Friday wether or not I have secured the flat I put in for in Nuneaton, but after checking the Uchoose website several times I'm still not sure I have the place.

I am greatful that today I have put in an appointment with my doctor, I'm not seeing him until a week tomorrow, but hopefully I will be able to start a period of counselling, and the healing process. i am also greatful that I managed to get a large pile of ironing done today!!!